Wednesday, 3 November 2010

I have a book. It is small and red with a broken spine. Its edges are tatty and worn and it has absent-minded scribbles on the outside, mainly of eyes with splendid lashes. I have a book, it is small and battered and a little bit broken but it is full. It is full to bursting with scribbled thoughts and pained lines that I can barely read back but I try from time to time and it reminds me of how far I have come in a year and how far I have still to go.

I have a book that is full of all the words I wanted to say to your people on the days of significance; birthday’s, anniversaries, your deathday, only to have come unstuck at the keyboard every single time. So I wonder why it is that I should be able to write today – I wonder this because to me it is somehow the least significant date of all. It’s the one I feel almost ambivalent about, the one where you were sent away and turned to a pile of dust, the one where your pieces were finally taken, the one where I supposedly said goodbye (although I know now I will probably never do that).

But perhaps that is the very reason I can write today. Because even though our anniversary was a bittersweet affair in retrospect, the day was love filled and the tears spilled were of happiness. Because even though your birthday was hard, it was a reminder that you were here, you were born, you grew up, you walked this earth and you loved, you bore children, you had a life no matter how short. Because even though to think of your deathday and the moment you finally left me is, without doubt, the most difficult, painful memory of all, at least you were alive for most of that day. Because even when you left, in the days that preceded your funeral, your essence still filled the rooms.

So perhaps it is the life of you within these moments that I have found so hard to write about. A funeral is none of these things. It is about a void, an ebbing, a release and a going, memories, a flicker of a flame and the loss of that light. You are gone and I know that I know that, but a year on you are still as alive to me as ever. That is pain and pleasure in one.

So in homage to you going I want to publish your playlist from the funeral. You sat one night and reeled off these tracks and I was amazed at your abilityto conjour tracks from mental oblivion – mine would be so bland in contrast. But you did and here they are. For those of you on Face book I will try and link the track list through that. I include in this uncorrected mistakes in this list - it makes it a more fulfilling journey of discovery.......

Listen and remember him and above all else – ENJOY!!

The Cure Just like heaven – 12” version (not live)
Joy Division Love Will Tear Us Apart
Sonic Youth Teenage Riot
The Church Under the Milkyway
Nancy Sinatra Jackson
& Lee Hazelwood
The Jam Thick As Thieves
Candy Station You’ve Got The Love
Massive Attack Unfinished Sympathy
Lee Hazelwood Poor Man
Simple Minds Speed Your Love
Blondie Union City Blue
Royksopp 49%
Pogues Sally Mcnally
Radio Head An Airbag Saved My Life
Jimmy Cliff Many Rivers To Cross
New Order Everythings Gone Green
Jesus And Mary Chain Just Like Honey
Johnny Cash Ring Of Fire
Elvis Suspitious Minds
Grandmaster Flash White Lines
The Stranglers Always The Sun
The Killers Read My Mind
Stakker Humanoid Stakker Humanoid
Bowie Changes
Soft Cell What
Lotus Eaters First Picture Of You
Echo And The B Killing Moon
Clint Eastwood and Stop That Train
General Saint
NWA Express Yourself
Generation X Dancing With Myself
My Bloody Valentine You Made Me Realise
My Bloody Valentine The Drive
My Bloody Valentine Cigarette In My Bed
House Of Love Christine
Sound Garden Black Hole Sun
Radiohead No Surprise’s
The Specials Gangsters
Doctor Almintado Poison Flower
Foxy Brown Fastcar
Wheatus Little Respect
The Smiths The Is A Light That Never Goes Out
A Guy Called Gerald Voodoo Ray
Primal Screen Loaded
Inner City Good Life
The Damned Smash It Up
Ladyhawke Back Of The Van
Kings Of Leon The Bucket
Dolly Parton Jolene
Kenny Rogers Ruby
I Hate Hate Razzy
Adam And The Ants Stand And Deliver
Madness Must Be Love
Faithless Insomnia
OT Quartet Hold That Sucker Down
Marvin Gaye Your All I Need To Get By
The Pixies Monkey Gone To Heaven
Madonna Like A Prayer
Five Get On Up
Tony Basil Hey Micky
Blondie The Hardest Part
Jackson Five Blame It On The Boogie
O’Jays Lovetrain
Beachboys I can Hear Music
Prodigy Your No Good
Moby Feeling So Real
Richie Havens Without Love
Lou Reed Vicious
The Only Ones Another Girl Another Planet
Groove Armada Blue Skies
Daft Punk Da Funk
Talking Heads Born Under Punches (Remain in Light version)
Flock Of Seagulls Wishing
Billy brag New England
Leftfield Storm 3000
The Cure In Between Days
Game/50 Cent Hate It Or Love It
De La Soul Eye Know
Motorhead Ace Of Spades
Nirvana In Bloom
RadioHead Creep
Depeche Mode New Life
The View Don’t look back into the *
Elton John Your Song
Joy Divsion Don’t Walk Away
Rod Stewart Baby Jane
John Lennon Starting Over
It’s Immaterial Driving Away From Home
The Smiths Please Please Let Me Get What I want
Bowie Sound And Vision