From Paul..........

Well folks, by the time you read this I’ll be either having a beer or orange juice with Jesus, Ganesh, Allah, Ron L Hubbard, Buddah or a wealth of others we have never thought of. I prefer to think that the laws of physics state that energy cannot be destroyed – it can only change form. So if I can help your home grown veg grow that extra tomato, or help a pretty flower grow or give you the strength to stumble home those extra few yards on a battered Friday night, then job done…

The question is one of consciousness and if there is one of some sorts, you can all be sure you’ll all be a very big part of mine still. The disease was the disease, it just does what it does, but the amazing thing about it all is the positivity that I have seen, felt and heard it generate. It’s brought people out of the woodwork, that for too long we find ourselves too immersed in the here and now of jobs and kids and London and any old excuse for not being in touch with and puts you in contact without it being through sympathy or fear but through love and sharing of joyous things.

I think everyone stopped at some point and thought of the things that make life good, and that is what it’s all about. It’s all about family and friends and love and happiness. The love and support that we have experienced thought this has been beyond words, but not always tears.

If ‘God is love’ which is what they all say, then I have God in my life with the people I have around and about me. I have no regrets in life (with the obvious exception of the terminal disease). I had a brilliant time and loved it. I was lucky enough to meet my soul mate and share a part of my time here with the two most amazing kids ever. The people, the upbringing, the drink, the travel, the family, the beauty, the ugliness, the times and places, the list is endless. The little things and the laughs, but it’s always about the people, and you’ve been my people and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you have given me.

I’ve written something else for Hannah and the kids because as I write this it’s without fear, but when I think of them it’s still sadness or rather my heart bursting with love for them that’s the emotion. And to be honest this little splurge is for you lot.

So there you have it. Be happy, and if it doesn’t make you happy don’t do it. I love you all, really really,

No you don’t, there is more…………………

There are too many individual moments with too many individuals that I just don’t have the time to share. So think of when we have laughed together, or cried together, or danced all night, or barked at the moon, or watched the sun come up, or randomness galore. And they are probably the same ones I’m smiling about. But I might just have to mention a couple –

Lisa – flying saucers over Goa

Wendy and Steve fight – to be told on arrival at the flask of having a steak tartar and tuna salad order.

Thomas Foley’s Sunburn the first day I met him at ‘Blues’ after his charity walk to Brighton. With no hat or suncream.

Ali – Lady Di’s funeral.

Too many, too many, never enough. Without everyone’s chanting, praying, thoughts and best wishes and without the financial and emotional support that you have all provided, I can’t begin to think what the last 10 months would have been like. With everyone’s love and support I’ve had the best chance to fight this thing and win a few battles along the way and concentrate on the things that matter. For this, there are no words big enough, but two little ones are all I have – Thank you.

I have just to thank Noah for my mustard seeds blessed by the Dalai Lama, they are, without doubt, the most auspicious thing I have ever consumed.

And that really, really is that.

I love you all forever.

Paul

He's gone..............

Jam Sandwich!!!

I just wanted to do a quick blog because there are some (well many) people I need to thank on behalf of Paul and myself. When we suggested fundraising for the miracle cure everyone went mad with the money making schemes with such speed and enthusiasm it has been quite breathtaking!

Despite the fact that he is too ill to now take any drugs, some of those events have and are going ahead. So I would like to thank the Scottish contingent for putting on a sterling bash in Glasgow and for all those that attended and those that couldn’t but still supported the Stevenson clan. Also Anthony Whitehouse who used to own ‘Blues’ – the restaurant where Paul and I met and where it all began…..He rang me out of the blue yesterday having not spoken in years to say he did a (not sure how many but a good few) K run for us!! Awesome!

Also the crazy reprobates that worked on and off with him over the years at the fine line and the Telegraph, that worked and played hard with him and (I should imagine) listened to him rant late into the night – are holding a bash this Friday. The details I have cut and paste from Facebook for you here:

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Charity gig with Jam Sandwich

When: Friday 23rd October 19:00 – 23:00

Where: The Telegraph

11 Telegraph Street

London

Our dear friend Paul Stevenson- a top lad- has been bravely fighting cancer for the past year. He is diagnosed with T-cell Lymphoma, a highly aggressive form of cancer. Having exhausted most of his medical options, doctors had hoped that Paul could try a new FDA drug which would increase his chances of beating the cancer. Sadly, the drug has come a little late and Paul is now at home, spending time with his family- minus the drugs and chemo which seems to make him sicker.

As many of you know, Paul was the beloved manager of the Telegraph for years. We have teamed up with The Tele, and the infamous band Jam Sandwich, for a night of mayhem with the best motive ever- to raise money for Paul and his family.

We will be taking donations at the door (suggested £8). As Paul is too ill to receive the drugs that we were originally trying to raise money for, the money raised on the 23rd will go into a trust fund for Paul's children, or to a new cancer centre that is severely underfunded. Two excellent reasons to join together and raise some funds. We want to say however, that we are still chanting for Paul to have a miraculous recovery, so our thoughts and love and positive vibes are with him.

We also have excellent prizes to be raffled off- all proceeds going to the Stevenson family. Prizes include: a bottle of champers, a dinner for 2 at the Vintry (£100), a nights stay at a Jury's Doyle hotel, and buffet for 10 at the Cape Bar at St. Paul's! Woop woop!

Jam Sandwich are going to rock the house, so dancing shoes on! Bring your friends- it's going to be a right hootenanny!

Paul is such great guy with a lovely family- this will be the best £8 you will spend in a long time.

For more info, please contact Amber on 078 878 28 111 or Aoife on 075 068 44 302

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There are so many people to thank today and to come so if anyone is missed here and now then your time will come. We have been so lucky with the constant support from friend’s, family, The incredible Uncle Adam and a mysterious bunch of philanthropists – you know who you are – which is good because I truly don’t!!

There will be more to add – in the mean time I must get back to the man ……….

Arse

I must write a blog, I must write a blog, I must write a blog – my chant has changed to this over the last week or so. So here I am – and here are all of you? Or are you there, helllooooooo? It can be odd at times talking to the ether, not really knowing if anyone is listening to you. I write the words on my screen and with a click of a button I expose my arse to the world with very little thought as to who actually sees it. It’s quite liberating really as I have always been quite protective over who gets to see my bottom!

So Paul came home on Tuesday – they turned his arse around in a day or two as I think the docs are of the same mentality as us – that he is best off at home. The first weekend we spent together really highlighted that fact. I think we both felt apprehensive about going from total care on the NHS to total care at home. It should be the easiest thing in the world but I suppose we haven’t spent that much time together over the last year so it takes some adjusting.

Homecoming is always amazing. But this time it is laden with sadness because ‘coming home’ means coming home to die. That’s the upshot, that’s the SP, that’s the reality. Probably some of the reason I have found it hard to write recently is because I would have to say those words. But tonight I feel ok with them. Not happy and not resigned and certainly not accepting but to a degree aligned with them..

There are no drugs that can save him. The miracle cure in the states came just a little too late. He has said that even if he could get it he’s too tired to fight. He hasn’t given up the day to day fight of staying alive and enjoying his family and his life but he’s done with hospitals and drugs that make him sicker than the cancer and sometimes bring him closer to death than the disease.

So he’s home.

So we carry on.

So we live a day up

and

a

day

down

Love

I haven’t written because my fingers are leaden and anyway Paul has been home since Friday so I have been rather preoccupied.

I went to see the consultants last week. I was a little concerned because Paul was quite confused and I wasn’t sure if it was because he still had a bit of an infection or what and really they aren’t sure either – it may have been a combination of a lot of things. Anyway he really hasn’t bounced back after this last bout of illness. Not like he has in the past. It’s like it’s knocked the stuffing out of him. He’s so tired and practically bed bound now (though I did wheel him about a bit today). The upshot is that I don’t think they will be giving Paul any more drugs as treatment for the cancer. Not unless he makes a miraculous recovery – but if I’m honest I’m not sure even I believe that’s going to happen this time. So we really are into palliative care and monitoring him to make sure he is comfortable. He’s still slightly jaundiced so that might mean his liver is a bit damaged from all the drugs. They were really supportive about getting Paul home and they went into a flurry of activity arranging it. So we had a hospital bed delivered and wheelchair and portable oxygen etc

It’s been so hard to write this because I don’t want anyone to give up hope and I’m still chanting frantically whenever I stroke his hair or watch him sleep or see the kids rolling around on his bed. I have never chanted so hard in my life – I’m just not sure if I’m chanting for him now for myself now because I don’t want to face the horrible truth – that he will die and this bastard fucking cancer will have won.

He’s back in hospital tomorrow and then will hopefully come home again mid week

Oh I hope I don’t sound like I have given up, I haven’t – I believe that every single day that he is still here is the most beautiful, perfect day in the world, I believe that the love we have will survive even death, I believe that Paul will never truly leave me anyway……..

zzzzzzzzzz

I have been remiss I know, silent but quite frankly shagged out beyond all recognition. I feel my fingers are punching the keyboard as if I have hooves for hands - in fact hooves in boxing gloves. Hooves in boxing gloves, tied together with liquorice. Did I spell that right? I hate the stuff anyway......

Paul is ok - jaundiced, tired, slightly confused but not running temperature. He's ok.

You know what? I thought I would attempt a blog tonight but these hooves are really getting in the way. The hooves and the head that is lolling scarily close to the monitor.

Sorry

Will def try again tomorrow x