Friday, 21 August 2009

Ok won’t delay this anymore – the results of the scan were not good. They appear to show that the cancer has progressed and may have spread to peripheral nodes and they think it may be back in the bone marrow – FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! What that means in terms of treatment we will find out today from the consultant and also next week when all the brains get together and discuss plans…..

I do know that we don’t really have many drug options left – Paul says there is probably one more roll of the dice. In the meantime I have been spending a lot of time on the computer trying to find trials along with an army of friends and family. My mum found, what looks like the only trial being conducted in Great Britain (A drug called Romidepsin) which he will ask about today and I have found a few globally. It’s no surprise that most of them are being done in the states.

It’s so hard when you look at Paul to believe he has something so horrible ravaging him from the inside. Ok he’s a bit thin but when he’s pottering around it’s difficult to believe he is sick. Despite the shit news we are resolute – we will find the drug that will kick this fucker into touch.
I’m still dreaming of that beach next year, Paul and I talked about it last night while we watched Cassidy sleeping. We seem to do a lot of talking over Cassidy as he snoozes these days. Kitty is building a sandcastle in a frilly polkadot swimming costume with matted salty hair and a sandy smile. Paul and Cass are collecting crabs and running shrieking in and out of the cold waves. I’ve been buried up to my chest by the kids and I’m watching everyone from under my warm, sand duvet with a contented grin on my face.

Apart from the cancer thing, we feel totally blessed and lucky because we have each other. On the days when I believe in fate and things I wonder if we met because we had to go through this together. We have always fit pretty well but this has cemented the symbiosis. We made a Kitty and a Cassidy and that is miraculous enough and then this came along. If it’s a test of some kind, we have passed it with flying colours. Sorry to get a bit schmaltzy again – feeling quite emotional as you might imagine. I don’t think I have ever thought about my place in the universe and my relationships with everyone as much as I do now…….

So onward and upward and will let you know what the docs say today

H and Pxx

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