Sunday, 11 October 2009


I haven’t written because my fingers are leaden and anyway Paul has been home since Friday so I have been rather preoccupied.

I went to see the consultants last week. I was a little concerned because Paul was quite confused and I wasn’t sure if it was because he still had a bit of an infection or what and really they aren’t sure either – it may have been a combination of a lot of things. Anyway he really hasn’t bounced back after this last bout of illness. Not like he has in the past. It’s like it’s knocked the stuffing out of him. He’s so tired and practically bed bound now (though I did wheel him about a bit today). The upshot is that I don’t think they will be giving Paul any more drugs as treatment for the cancer. Not unless he makes a miraculous recovery – but if I’m honest I’m not sure even I believe that’s going to happen this time. So we really are into palliative care and monitoring him to make sure he is comfortable. He’s still slightly jaundiced so that might mean his liver is a bit damaged from all the drugs. They were really supportive about getting Paul home and they went into a flurry of activity arranging it. So we had a hospital bed delivered and wheelchair and portable oxygen etc

It’s been so hard to write this because I don’t want anyone to give up hope and I’m still chanting frantically whenever I stroke his hair or watch him sleep or see the kids rolling around on his bed. I have never chanted so hard in my life – I’m just not sure if I’m chanting for him now for myself now because I don’t want to face the horrible truth – that he will die and this bastard fucking cancer will have won.

He’s back in hospital tomorrow and then will hopefully come home again mid week

Oh I hope I don’t sound like I have given up, I haven’t – I believe that every single day that he is still here is the most beautiful, perfect day in the world, I believe that the love we have will survive even death, I believe that Paul will never truly leave me anyway……..


  1. Nobody, or nothing has won - whatever happens in the future. You are a brilliant family and always will be.
    Sending chants and love
    Bev, Ollie, Mat and Jem

  2. You and paul and kit and cass will always always always be together.... Total love and blessings from Mani and Misch xxxxxxxxxxxx