Thursday, 21 January 2010

My darling,

When you were suddenly taken ill last November, when you were hooked up to that life giving but hideous ventilator that bleeped and flashed endlessly with alarming constancy. When you were in the ITU of Whipps Cross, I found it difficult to keep the dark thoughts at bay. My mind would wander during the day and I would have these waking nightmares of imagined, hideous scenarios. The most recurrent was standing up at your funeral and giving a eulogy. I would find myself running through the words and weeping at inopportune moments, at the checkout in Tesco’s, walking home after the school run, stirring spaghetti or during story time. More than once I actually slapped myself around the face. Partly to snap myself out of the madness and partly because I was so cross at myself for thinking such miserable, hateful things. I hesitate in telling your people this as it’s so personal and also makes me seem quite unhinged. But I want to try my best to give them a window to the emotional side of this journey. This was our life and if I’m going to do this confessional shit I may as well go the whole hog!

I digress.

So I found a way to deflect this particular nightmare by mentally subverting the funeral speech into a wedding one. My eulogy became a celebration of what we have rather than the past tense. And you know what? It worked. Then when we decided to get married I really wanted to say a few words, but to be honest I bottled it and I’m glad I did because I’m not sure I would have enjoyed the day quite so much. Then your funeral loomed and I vowed to do you justice then by saying all the things I wanted to. The little bits and the big. I wanted to tell your people about the beginning as well as the end. But I could not speak. I said a lot that day but I did not speak.

So if I had done a speech it might have gone a little like this……..

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