Thursday, 14 January 2010

My love,

To write since you died has been too painful. I try and try but my fingers falter. But it was like this when I started this blog except that then I had you to egg me on and push me forward. I know I have to try and be strong again. When we started it was to keep you in the forefront of everybody’s minds. We needed love, energy, good thoughts and vibes and we got them tenfold. Everyone chanted and prayed and cried and laughed with us. All of your people waited everyday to hear your news, they were here when we celebrated your remission and they were here when you had to go.

I have only realised in this last couple of empty months that this whole fucking blog thing was as much about keeping me alive as it was you. It’s a strange thing that it’s easier to be intimate with a thousand faceless people than it is with the person sitting next to you. So I want to carry on if that’s ok? I have things to say about the darkness but I want to keep you alive and there is also the story of us. The one before you got sick. The one where we lived happily ever after, the one we talked about which started on Dean Street and ended on a verandah in Thailand in our dotage, sipping ‘Sang Thip’ and setting off firecrackers till dawn.

Each word to you feels clumsy and has been reviewed, amended and deleted a million times. I want to do you justice With every letter I have punched tonight I have shed a thousand tears. Do you think that if I keep typing and typing they will eventually run out?

I might try…………


  1. thank you for trying Hannah. we will be listening. you are so brave and loved by so many. Paul would be proud. keep up. xx

  2. Keep going Hannah... beautiful. You are so gifted and have a way with words- full of soul. You will always do Paul justice. Everyone is reading this, Paul too.. xx

  3. Try whatever you want, and if its continuing writing here, which inspires me and im sure others with each and every entry and is doing us just as much justice as you say it does you, and the words keep coming or if one day there simply are no more words, you know that we(and im sure i speak for every person who reads this)
    will always be here...i miss you and the kiddies and look forward to seeing you all very soon. xxxx

  4. You and your babies do him justice every day. Big love H.xxxxx

  5. Hannah we're right here with you every step, if not in person, in spirit. Your soul is beautiful and every time you write you share a little bit of it with all of us...keep on keeping onxxx

  6. you must carry on writing...we all need to try and share it with you...big love xxx Natalia