Rain and coffee

SO I am SO over this bastard cancer thing now. That is it – I have had enough, it’s been hanging around like a hormonal groupie at a ‘Boyzone’ gig for long enough! FUUUUUCK OOOOFFFFF now . I know we have been all chanting but can we all just give it the massivest middle finger possible on the count of three:1.2.3. Fingeerrrrrrrr!!!!

Grrrrrr sorry I felt like the world had begun anew when the sun shone last Sunday in a blaze of tropical glory. Then the stupid rain starts and it reminds me that I have had enough! Yesterday was just one of those days, you know the ones that make you reach for the bottle earlier than you might do ordinarily……

I went to a cashpoint on Oxford Street to draw out some money and as I walked into the Disney store to buy some hideous plastic crap for Kitty I realised I had walked off without taking the money from the machine. Gutted, yet still laden with plastic crap, I jumped on a bus from Oxford street to see Paul and only realised when I was at the British Museum that I had got on the wrong bus, then only realised when I had jumped off the bus in a panic, that I was actually on the right bus but had jumped off too early. So I did a couple of left and rights and then realised I was lost. I got lost in London – I’m Londoner for Christ sakes, I’m lost in London and I had to ask a German how to get back to Tottenham Court Road. The shame of it. In fact my shame must have caused the Gods go cry because the heavens opened and I was rained upon mercilessly. So I shuffled through streets I haven’t been down for years, ballet pumps filled with rain water, plastic crap burning a ring of pain on my wrists and I still had to pick up some stuff for Paul. So I got the coffees (One for me and Paul) and stopped at another cash point to replenish the lost stock when a gust of wind caught the bag of plastic crap like a yacht sail and knocked the coffees over………

Cross and slipping on coffee I made it up to see Paul and had the audacity to break down in tears over my shit day. Yes you got Cancer but here I am wet and covered in coffee and really pissed off so hear me cry…….

There were three things that redressed the balance after I spilt my coffee. The first was a women emptied her shopping bag and gave it to me so I could carry the (almost empty) cups to Paul. The second was a man ran after me with the bag of plastic crap after I had left it at the cash point in a hideous tizzy. And the third was that Paul shared his coffee with me. He poured one from the other until they measured the same and laughed at my tears and rubbed my shoulders and by the time I left my shoes were dry.

The fact that Paul is making the world alright for me and I can have a breakdown over everything and nothing is a big indicator that things are back on track to a degree. There are no ways I can describe how that man has patched me up and put plasters in the right places and fixed the ills and the spills, zipped the rips and mended the tears. It’s probably been the biggest test for me personally to be the smiley stepford wife so to be looked after again is priceless.

He is neutropenic again and about half way through this round of chemo . He has been feeling ok but today he took a bit of a chill and had been feeling a bit feverish. They are so amazing because the moment he feels under par there is a flurry of activity with x-rays and blood tests and constant observation but I’m sure he’s fine. I think it’s to be expected that he gets the odd infection when his immune system is compromised in this way. I will add more tomorrow on the physical stuff and stop droning on about coffee and rain and such…

Too to write any more night night x