Monday, 30 March 2009

Life, love, lamb........

Blimey it’s been a week since I’ve written anything – that’s very remiss of me. Well things seem to be galloping along at a fast pace. Paul has a habit of doing this ‘recovery at a miraculous rate’ thing. One minute it seems that we are stuck in a cycle of slowly bit surely, then all of a sudden he’s sitting drinking soup and generally kicking ass!

He moved out of ITU for the first time tonight and is now on the 16th floor hurrah! That’s such a massive step physically and mentally. He’s still weak and thin and all the things you might expect from someone who has been through Chemo and on a ventilator for the last two weeks but his spirit is strong. Up till now it’s been more of a silent, determined fight, ‘focus, focus, focus’ which is still the case except, he’s just more vocal now. That’s probably also down to the tracheostomy being taken out – stupid Hannah! I guess what I’m trying to express is that I feel more involved with the fight now because we can communicate whereas before it’s Paul in a solitary battle. And it feels good to be involved, even if it’s in little ways; foot rubs, bringing the paper, waffling on about domestic dreariness and familial things. Right now all the little things that are taken for granted are like precious metal.

And he’s been doing an amazing job of fixing himself up. It’s awesome because sometimes he knows more about his body and how he needs to be treated, than the doc’s do. He had got to the point on the ventilator where it seemed it was working against rather than for him so he just took the executive decision to move on and the doctors agreed. And that seems to be the propulsion in terms of progression that has got him to be where he is today.

In terms of the Chemo we did think that he would start the end of the week but I have just heard from the front line that he will be starting the next round tomorrow as the nodes are starting to flare up again very slightly so time to knock them on the head again. Paul’s motto is ‘full steam ahead’ and although he isn’t looking forward to the nastiness of the medication he just wants to steamroller the cancer before it gets a chance to fuck him up again. A very healthy attitude I would say.

Moving on to my own unhealthy attitude to pointless gambling - I have kicked the scratch card obsession – mainly because Paul gave me one of those looks when I told him that said ’ foolish’ in big neon letters. But subsequently I have cultivated a new one that has been growing for a few weeks now and is more palatable to Paul scratchcards. I am obsessed with the idea of eating lamb! For those of you that don't know I have been a vegetarian for the last 22 years but I am suddenly quite struck with the idea of consuming a beautifullyl roasted, tender and moist baby sheep (that’s what the are aren’t they?). I’m not in the least bit interested in bacon sandwiches or sirloin, chicken breasts or t-bone – I want LAMB – or at least I think I do. My lovely friend Fran and I have discussed this and we think it might be that I associate roast lamb with Paul and the whole homely Sunday lunch, family togetherness sort of thing so it’s more that, than a hankering after actual flesh, but I’m not sure…….I told Paul that if he gets better then I’m going to become a Lambetarian which he quite liked – will let you know if I live up to the title……….

So there we have it; life, love and lamb or; love life and love lamb or; lambs love life - whatever your fancy I know that Paul loves both life and lamb so that's good enough or me. Oh dear I'm losing it - but then I'm a minute from turning 36 so I think that's allowed

H and P xxxxxxxxx

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