Well you all should all be jolly pleased with yourselves because your no brainer of a chant has worked – he was told today that it hasn’t reached his nervous system hooray. So ‘No spine and No brain’!
It’s such good news and brilliant to have a positive for a change. It’s really, really what Paul needs to boost his confidence and really, really what we all need to hear too, to boost our own. It feels a little like I’ve won the lottery - without the wads of cash obviously. Actually on the subject of pointless gambling, I have discovered a secret (not so secret now) pleasure in scratch cards which has increased with Paul’s illness. I think I feel that my odds of winning have increased just by dint of him being ill; like the Gods of bad luck have taken their eyes off the Mackey ball because they think they’ve got it covered with this whole cancer thing. Actually this is the first time I have seen my skewed logic in black and white and it’s just a bit mad and financially ludicrous really. So no one tell Paul ok?........
He had another lumber puncture today just to boost the chemo in his spine. The Doc said yesterday that the success rate in this drug preventing it spreading is really good so, now we know it’s not there, we can focus on blocking it. ‘Pow’, ‘Kaboom’, ‘Kill Kill’ as Kitty would say (guess where she’s learnt that from). We just have to hope that this latest round of drugs has a more significant impact than the last. It’s not that the last lot failed it’s just they want to see more impact.
As far as how Paul feels, I think that today is the worst day so far for him and the Chemo is really living up to it’s reputation. He has been feeling very nauseous and a bit glum – even my shepherd’s pie didn’t cheer him up. It’s a horrible irony that a person that doesn’t feel that ill is made to feel so sick by the very thing that’s supposed to make him feel better. But it’s for the greater good and he’s the first person to say that, it’s just pretty impossible for him to feel the benefit of it for the time being.
But today is a good day, a positive day. Not just because of the result but because I just woke up and felt superhuman for Paul. Not all days are like that. Sometimes it seems there are dark messages hidden in everything. From sodding predictive texting spelling out ‘demise’ instead of ‘Denise’ to ominous Love Hearts in a packet of sweets saying ‘Bye Bye’; to not being able to disentangle Paul’s struggle with Jade Goody’s because it’s everywhere. But then I wake up and the sun is shining, spring is only a hop away and I can look forward to the time when he comes home. I hope that there are days when you all wake up and feel super human for him too. It might be in the flutter of spring petal, the way the morning sun winks at you through a chink in a curtain or a patch of blue in a grisly sky. Whatever makes your heart skip with optimism – think of Paul in that moment.
Shit it’s late – can you all chant for my children sleeping in too.....
Kisses H and P xxxxx